Posts Tagged ‘Rush Limbaugh’

My determination to find out why and when Republicans decided to lop off the “ic” from “Democratic” and begin referring to the loyal opposition as the “Democrat Party” led me to discover the minutes of a secret strategy session held by the Republican elite a few days after the party’s dramatic defeat at the polls in 2008.

Strangely, the minutes were written in verse.

A meeting was held in the town of DC
The Party’s elite were invited
There was Palin and Cheney and Sean Hannity
Their leader Rush Limbaugh presided
Rush called to the crowd, “We’re in trouble, my friends
We’re shrinking with each day that passes
We need new ideas for two thousand ten
Or the Dems will again kick our asses
We can’t argue issues – they win at that game
And just saying ‘no’ has grown old
Drowning them out makes us look quite insane
We need something clever and bold”
“How ‘bout a catchy new phrase?” Palin said
“That says what we’re really about
Like, ‘If you’re not worth millions you oughta be dead!'”
“Sarah, sit down!” yelled the crowd.

So they thought and they thought ‘til their heads throbbed with pain
You see, thinking – for them – was exotic
Then a pudgy guy called out, “Karl Rove is my name
And by George the Second, I’ve got it!”
He ran down the aisle like a man on a mission
And snatched the mic from Limbaugh’s hand
The people fell silent – when Rove speaks, they listen
He smiled a big smile then began
“That name, ‘Democratic’ is simply unfair!
It gives such an edge to our rival
As a name, sure it’s only a noun – fair and square  –
But the voters think it’s adjectival
It makes them sound more democratic than us
A typical liberal plot
The fact that they’re commies is hidden because
Their name makes them sound like they’re not

Well, I’ve got a plan that will end all of that
And recharge the great GOP
We’ll change ‘Democratic’ to just ‘Democrat’
We’ll chop off their ‘ic’ at the ‘T’”
The crowd was ecstatic, and shouted “Hooray”
“You’ve done it again, Mr. Rove
You’ve given to us a sure-fire way
To get back the voters in droves”
Yes, that’s how the “ic” was removed from our name
Believe it or not, you still hear it
It seems everyone to the right of McCain
Is completely insane, or darned near it
They’re down to just one out of five voters now
Soon it will be one of seven
And those who remain will be in Idaho
Storing food for Armageddon

So, when you hear “Democrat” Party these days
Please try to restrain your laughter
It’s just a Republican’s final hooray
On the way to his party’s hereafter

When not playing footsie with men in next stalls
Or at presidential talks, yelling
They campaign with tea-bagging Neanderthals
Who don’t like black folk…or good spelling
They ran Sarah Palin, they outed Ms. Plame
They green-lighted torture to our lasting shame
Compared to all that, the mere change of our name
Is not something to go to war on

We’ll just put our “ic” back where it’s always been
And hope for their sake that this childishness ends
Then as a gift to our Republican friends
We’ll shorten “Moronic” to “Moron.”
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Why can’t the right come up with a likable talk show host or pundit? Sensible folks generally do their best to avoid loud, boorish and obnoxious people, but in the world of Fox News and the imbroglio we call talk radio, it is exactly those types who live in ratings rapture.

Being an ACLU card-carrying, “public option”-supporting liberal makes me a bit biased, of course, but it also compels me to try and find at least a spark of goodness in everyone–that’s what we good Libs do.  Believe me, this is no easy task when confronted with such raging dysfunction as:

  1. Bill O’Reilly (bullying, loud-mouthed narcissist)
  2. Grover Norquist, (aura of self-importance and nastiness that would make Il Duce blush)
  3. William Bennett (classic “do as I say, not as I do” moralist)
  4. Anne Coulter (psycho-sexual mess / borderline sociopath)
  5. Sarah Palin (chronic synaptic misfire / finds reality to be optional)
  6. Rush Limbaugh (same problems as O’Reilly–only less subtle)

[For propriety’s sake, I am purposely leaving Glenn Beck out of this because his disorders appear to be far more serious than the garden-variety personality problems suffered by his colleagues]

Any one of these six listed blowhards could clear out a dinner party before the entree was served.  And, if they all happened to be guests at the party, something akin to The Lord of the Flies would surely break out — the entree ultimately consisting of each other.

Where are the Loons of the Left?

To be fair, I’m sure we have a few famous progressives with personality problems, as well.  But, they must do a better job at keeping them in check because, try as I might, I can’t come up with a left-leaning host or pundit with a temperament even approaching the bad-natured, mean spirit of  O’Reilly, Coulter and Limbaugh.  Even when Michael Moore goes predator, there is almost always an underlying decency and good humor about him–the Charlton Heston interview notwithstanding.

Imagine Rachel Maddow doing Bill O’Reilly’s  “Fuck it, we’ll do it liiive!” song and dance. Doesn’t compute, does it?  Or, how about Ed Schultz urging all good Democrats to begin roughing up Republicans, as Coulter once suggested – in the reverse, of course – on the Lou Dobbs Show.  Or, imagine Keith Olbermann displaying the astonishing insensitivity to suggest that a tax hike is comparable to the Holocaust, as Grover Norquist did in an NPR interview.

This may be why the Left has such a hard time competing with the Right on talk radio.  Like trout and babies, American audiences love things that wiggle.  And nothing wiggles more than mindless, incendiary statements like Limbaugh’s “I hope Obama fails,” or the endless list of 50,000-watt Neanderthals shouting, “The ‘Democrat’ Party [check out “How the ‘Democrat’ Party Lost its ‘ic'”]  is a bunch of America-hating, communist-Nazi-sissies!”

We demand our wiggles, and because Jerry Springer can’t be on twenty-four hours a day, we look for them elsewhere.

The Genesis of Jerkdom

What exactly is it about the Right that gives them such a leg-up on the Left in the jerk department?  Sure, some of the loud, obnoxious stuff is phony, P.T. Barnum-style pimping for ratings and book sales, but a lot of it seems to be genuine, heartfelt ugliness.

If Freud was right, the Limbaughs and Coulters of the world were doomed to be jerks by the age of six.  What sent them down the rightward path is anybody’s guess — their parents, perhaps.  Maybe they were poisoned by an influential teacher or classmate during high school or by reading “The Fountainhead” one too many times.

Or could it be that a worldview based on militarism, nativism and the marginalization of the poor and minorities just feels like home to a bullying, narcissistic loudmouth?